Unwanted Memories
by KJ4life21
Summary: This picks up after Heroine it's how Emily connected so well with Anya
1. Chapter 1

This has been bouncing around my head since I saw Heroine but I only now decided to throw it out there and see what u guys thought, As always I don't own anything but the figments of my imagination

Matt kissed the back of Emily's neck and wrapped his arms around her as they both started to drift off to sleep, interlocking their fingers as Emily held tight on Matt's arm. After a great dinner, a few beers, and to say the least a passionate night with Emily, Matt was more than content to lay in bed and drift off to sleep with the woman of his dreams in his arms. As he started drifting off to sleep his mind went over the events of the last few days with Anya. He had made her a promise and despite everything he had tried to stand by that promise he had tried to keep her safe but she had other ideas. Matt silently kicked himself for not picking up on Anya having been raped by Eddie Vargas, thankfully Emily had picked up on it and she was able to connect with her and get her to confront her real problems. That was the last thought going thru his mind as he finally succumbed to the exhaustion he felt.

Emily could feel his breath on her neck deep and even she knew it wouldn't be long before she heard his light snore that she found so endearing about him, he looked so cute when he was sleeping. Emily too couldn't take her mind off their latest case, why did it take so long for her to pick up on what was going on with Anya. All of Emily's training and her experience and she never saw it till she heard Anya talking about being powerful. She was able to diffuse the situation but at what cost it dredged up old memories that Emily thought were long since forgotten. As exhausted as she was Emily just didn't have the power to sleep there were to many thoughts going on inside her head she carefully extricated herself from Matt's arms trying desperately not to wake him up she didn't want to explain at was going on her mind right now she didn't think he was ready to hear it nor did she think she was ready to tell him. She looked back at him sleeping just before she walked out of the room as she thought about how safe she felt with him and how long ago it was that she ever felt that.

Matt rolled over to find the spot next to him vacant his bedmate was nowhere to be found, he turned to look at the clock and read 3:30Am. Matt thought he heard something in the living room and got up to investigate, he figured Emily was investigating his apartment it had been a while since she had been to his apartment and this was the first time she had been over as his girlfriend he slowly opened the door expecting to see her looking in his cabinets or maybe sitting on the couch watching TV but nothing prepared him for what he was about to see.

_**A severe lack of happy endings has given me writers block on my other story so I figured I'd give this one a try. I know it's a little short but I didn't really wanna try and do it all at once I think it lets it sink in better that way. Please review and tell me what u think and I am more than happy to hear what I am doing wrong so don't hesitate**_


	2. Chapter 2

All Emily could do was pace back and forth she could feel her cheeks burning and tears pouring down her face. She thought she was ok she thought she was over it, she thought wrong.

"How could I let that happen, why didn't I listen to my gut I should have left when I wanted to I didn't need to be there." She replayed the events of the night she thought she had long since forgotten. "Why didn't I fight harder why did this have to happen?"

Matt just stared and watched her from the doorway he had never seen her like this and he was unsure of what he should do. He didn't know if this was one of those things they had talked about that she didn't want him to know about. Whatever it was he knew he couldn't just stand there and watch her fall apart he needed to do something.

"Em," he said slowly walking out of the doorway towards his partner still unsure of what was going on. Whatever it was he could tell that she needed him. "Emily!" she didn't hear him she just kept pacing, so he stepped forward into her path, "Emily!!" She jumped out of her skin as he touched her shoulder and finally caught her attention. "What's going on are you ok." Matt asked knowing full well this was a stupid question of course she wasn't ok.

"Oh My God Matt you scared me I didn't hear you come out", Emily managed to get out trembling as she tried to unsuccessfully wipe away the never-ending stream of tears. "I'm fine I just couldn't sleep"  
"Yeah that is exactly what this looks like, maybe if you say it again you can convince yourself too" Matt said as he walked forward and placed his hands on her shoulders then pulled her in for a hug as she collapsed in his arms. "You can tell me Emily, you can tell me anything you know that."

"How can I tell you something I myself don't even want to think about, I wouldn't even know where to start I just I can't understand what happened how I let it happened" Matt could barely understand her thru her tears, he just held her tighter.

"You know what", she said pulling back and looking him in the eyes, "This is stupid it's nothing I'm just being overdramatic", she really, really didn't want to talk about this right now least of all to Matt. "I'm just gonna go for a walk" she stepped out of his arms and walked toward the bedroom to change, Matt ran his hands thru his hair in frustration as he followed her.

"Emily talk to me this is not nothing", he said noting that she was still crying.

"Matt I just. . . . . I can't do this right now I just can't. It's to hard" Emily said holding herself as she stood there staring at Matt. "I just can't do this" she said as she collapsed sliding down the wall as her tears came harder and faster.

Matt went over to her and sat down next to her there was nothing that he could if she wouldn't tell him he would just have to be there for her, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she leaned into him as cried, Emily clutched his shirt as if he would disappear and her world will end if she let go. He saw how vulnerable she was and how completely devastated by whatever it was that she couldn't tell him, he couldn't imagine what was so bad that it completely demolished her, whatever it was Matt knew he had to try and fix it that he had to get her to talk about it, if not for anything else than for her to get it out so she wouldn't feel so alone.

Emily couldn't help but feel so stupid and unreasonable, she didn't know how to tell Matt what was going on, as of right now no one outside her family and the people involved knew anything, she had never told anyone and it killed her that she felt she couldn't tell the one person who meant the most to her. Sitting there bawling her eyes out in his arms she felt safer than she has in a long time and she knew she could sit here and cry her eyes out all night and not say a word to him and he would still be there waiting when she stopped. Emily knew that when the time came and she actually did tell him, he wouldn't think any less of her and he wouldn't walk away from her.

As if on cue Matt tightened his grip on her and lifted her onto his lap and held her against him. "It's gonna be ok," he whispered, "I'm right here your ok, everything is going to be fine I promise" Matt kept repeating this over and over again as he sat rocking her and kissing the top of her head. "I'm not going anywhere I promise."

Emily felt safe; she just let herself go as she relieved what was the most tragic and defining experience in her entire life. She didn't know that it was possible to cry that much there were moments when she quieted and stopped crying then would start back up again. All the while Matt never moved except to rub her back and hold her against him. Emily felt her whole body relax as she sat there she was so exhausted she didn't think she could move. Matt feeling her body relax picked her up and carried her over to the bed he pulled off her shoes and laid her under the covers, he then shed his clothes and crawled into the bed next to her wrapping his arms around her letting her know that he was still there for her. She wrapped her hands around his arm and just inhaled his scent she loved the way he smelled, that was her last thought before she finally succumbed to sleep.

Matt unfortunately couldn't let himself sleep so easy he couldn't help thinking of what was going on with his partner that had her so torn he looked at her sleeping the remnants of tears still on her cheeks. He rolled her into him so he could watch her sleep he loved watching her sleep although tonight he wanted to make sure that he was the first thing she saw when she woke up. He lifted up his hand and ran it down the side of her face, he was going to try and protect her whether she wanted him to or not.

Matt was the first to awake he slowly opened his eyes and saw his partner and best friend still sleeping, even first thing in the morning she was still the only thing he ever wanted. Matt leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead not wanting to wake her she had a long night and he didn't want to disturb her. As he thought about the events of last night he was thankful that they didn't need to go into work today, he had no intention of leaving Emily today. He moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her taking in the smell of her hair and the feel of her skin. He kissed her shoulder and slowly extracted himself from the bed being careful not to wake her up. He gave her one last glance as he walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower he made sure he left the door open so he would hear her if something happened or so she could hear him when she woke.

Emily woke up and the first thing she noticed was that Matt wasn't there, she lifted her head up and heard the shower running and smiled. She rolled over onto his side of the bed and took in his scent. What had she done to deserve a guy like Matt, she cringed as she thought of the night before she can't imagine what she put Matt thru, she got up and stripped off her clothes to join him in the shower.

"Good morning", she said as she stepped in the shower behind him and kissed his back.

"Hey baby Good Morning, "he said as he turned and kissed her, "I didn't wake you up did I, I was trying to let you sleep I figured after last night you needed it" he said as he kissed her running his hands over her body.

"Yeah we'll talk about that later," she said as she deepened the kiss and he pinned her against the wall. "What did I ever do to deserve you?" she unintentionally said out loud as she stood there staring into his eyes. Matt couldn't think of anything to say so he just kissed her.  
About a half hour later they were dressed and sitting in the kitchen Matt was cooking them breakfast as Emily watched from the counter where she had taken a seat. "I'm surprised Cheryl hasn't called yet to tell us we have to come in," Emily laughed,

Matt walked over and positioned himself between her legs holding the spatula in hand "Don't jinx us. . . or else" he said waving the spatula.

Emily couldn't help but start laughing "You just reminded me of my grandmother when you did that" she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck unable to contain her laughter.

"Now Emily no desert before you eat", Matt said in his best granny impersonation. After a few minutes their laughter died down Matt still standing in front of Emily lifted his hand and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "It's nice to hear you laugh again," he said solemnly. Emily gave him a half smile remembering what happened and what had caused her breakdown.

"Thank You" Emily whispered, as she looked at him tears again welling up in her eyes.

"Hey there will be none of that," Matt smiled as he wiped a tear from her face, "today is a happy day we have no work and I have you all to myself. You don't need to tell me anything you don't want to but I'm here for you Em whatever happens I'll always be here for you." Emily smiled and leaned in to kiss him.

Matt went back and finished cooking he put their breakfast on plates and brought them over to the table while Emily got out glasses and poured some orange juice before sitting down and joining him.

"So what do you want to do today?" Matt asked as they cleaned up their dishes.

"I don't know I kind of just want to hang out I really don't feel like doing anything."

"You want to go for a walk down by the beach maybe have a picnic on the beach just the two of us." Matt questioned hoping maybe she might be in the mood to talk.

Emily thought for a minute "Sure that sounds great"

_**This is the second to last chapter I have one more chapter that is already done but I wanted to break it up a little bit. Thank you to all of you who reviewed I can't tell you how much I appreciate what interest was shown for such a small chapter. The next and final chapter will be uploaded either tonight or at the latest tomorrow morning I must warn you it is quite heavy so beware.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**As promised here is the third and final chapter of my saga lol it's kinda heavy or at least i think it is so beware and as always I do not own standoff Ron Rosemarie or anything else that i'm not supposed to own and no plagerism was intended.**_

An hour later they were in Matt's car on their way to the beach they had packed a picnic lunch and had no expectation to do anything but just enjoy each other's company. When they got to the beach they got out and just stared at the water for a minute.

"It's so beautiful I wish it could be like this all the time", Emily said as she grabbed Matt's hand and started walking towards the water. That was all they did for a while they walked down the beach right at the edge of the surf the beach was unusually deserted then again it was Wednesday most people had school and work. Matt had his arm around Emily's shoulder and Emily wrapped her arm around his waist as she interlocked her other hand with his. After a while they just sat and watched the waves coming in and out and just talked about work, about all the experiences they've had at the beach and subtle references about the future about their future. The entire time Emily felt like she had a rock in the pit of her stomach she knew she had to tell Matt what happened last night she just didn't want to do it here.

"Why don't we go back to your place and eat I don't feel like eating here" Emily said suddenly during a silent moment between them.

"Sure no problem is everything okay" Matt asked

"Yeah everything is fine I just need to talk to you and I don't want to do it here" Emily said looking down playing w/ the sand.

"Okay let's go" Matt said as he stood up and turned around to help Emily up. He pulled her into him and kissed her as the water came in around their feet. "I love you," he said as he pulled back and looked at her.

"I love you too" she replied as she leaned into him and kissed him. It was one of those knee weakening make ur hear stop kisses and for a minute nothing else in the world existed it was only them only here and now.

They walked back to Matt's car in silence hand in hand completely content in just being with each other. The ride back consisted of them talking about work or rather the people they worked with Duff and Lia and the way they look at each other, Frank, and of course Cheryl. By the time they had reached Matt's house it was already 4:30 and Matt was praying that Cheryl wouldn't call them in he knew they needed to talk and didn't want any interruptions. They walked into Matt's house and Emily plopped down on the couch as she started flipping thru the TV channels looking for a good movie. They finally settled on some older movie that they both had seen and kinda liked, after a while they were both laying down together on the couch Matt propping himself up on his elbow his other arm across Emily's stomach as she laid her arm across his. Not even half way thru the movie Emily kissed Matt's arm, Now or never I guess, she though to herself.

"Matt" she said as she turned around to find him sleeping she ran her hand down the side of his face and kissed him. He tightened his arm around her waist and reciprocated the kiss.

"What's going on Em", he said as he saw that her eyes were starting to water.

"I guess you want to know what was going on last night"

"You only need to tell me if you want to I know eventually you'll tell me and I'm ok with that. I've known you a while and you wouldn't react like that to just anything. If you don't want to tell me it's ok" he said seriously as he lifted up onto his elbow.

"I think I have to, for me I mean, I need to tell you," she watched as he nodded. "It was just that thing with Anya . . ." She started

"Wait a minute Em if you think . . . " Matt started but was interrupted by Emily's fingers on his lips.

"It's not what you think, trust me. I know there was nothing going on between you and Anya I don't know why I ever thought that. Well it's just that it brought back a lot of unwanted memories or rather things that I had long since buried. You know when I was talking about Anya and what was going on with Eddie and what he did to her"

"Yeah", Matt said hesitantly he didn't like where this was going.

"Well me talking to her the things I said, it wasn't just coming from things I've learned in school. Everything I said to her was something that was said to me almost 12 years ago, I knew how she felt and what she was going thru . . . . . because I went thru it," she was crying now and had gotten up from the couch and started pacing., "My junior year at college I went to a party with a few friends it was just before winter break and we were almost done with finals I figured we'd go out for a while and then come back and everything would be fine I had a final the next day so I didn't want to be out all night. Before we left I said that I would drive because I didn't want to drink I figured I'd let my friends have a good time and no one would have to worry about how they were getting home."

Matt half smiled at his princess from Princeton going out for a wild night on the town. He had gotten up and was sitting on the edge of the couch as he watched he pace back and forth tears slowly making their way down her face. He knew better than to stop her she needed to get this out and this was the only way she knew how,

"Well I saw this guy Alex there, he was this great guy that I had known since my freshman year we had a few classes together and he was just a fun guy to talk to and be around, we were always good friends I mean we flirted but nothing ever came of it. Well he and I sat down and started talking about graduation and our future and things like that. Well after a while he went to get us some drinks and I told him that I wasn't drinking and he said fine he came back and handed me what he said was a coke in one of those silo cups. I took a sip of it and it tasted funny but I didn't think anything of it he knew I wasn't drinking I figured it was just flat or something. Matt it didn't taste like alcohol I didn't know." She turned and walked over to him pleading with him as if he thought she was lying.

"It's ok I believe you" Matt said as he finally stood up and took her in his arms to comfort her, he sat her back down on the couch with her legs draped over his lap.

"Well he kept going and getting me drinks and I started to feel funny like light headed, I would say it was like I was drunk but I really didn't think I was I mean I wasn't drinking. I went to stand up and I had to sit back down I felt so dizzy. I finally got up and went looking for my friends I wanted to leave, just then Alex came back over with another drink and asked me if I was ok. I told him I wasn't feeling good and that I wanted to go home I asked him if he could help me find my friends for me." I was getting hard for Emily to talk she was crying and gasping for breath between sobs.

Matt stood up and went into the kitchen to get her some water, he saw their cell phones on the counter as he let the water run he walked over and turned off both of their phones Cheryl would be on her own if they needed anything. He went and handed Emily the water he walked past her and unplugged the phone without her seeing him then went into the bedroom and unplugged that one as well, he also went and got Emily some Advil. He sat back down behind her and wrapped his arms around her for support and to let her know he wasn't going anywhere.

"Well he said I could lay down and he'd find my friends for me, it was his fraternity that was hosting the party so he had a room there, I told him I just wanted to find my friends and go home but he insisted that I lay down. I thought he was just trying to be nice and take care of me so I just let him lead me upstairs to his room. How could I be so stupid! How could I be so naïve I just let him lead me to his bedroom! Why didn't I just leave like I wanted to I could've found my friends myself I would have been fine no I just did what he told me to like an idiot. Well he lead me into his room and I saw him lock the door behind him, I told him I wanted to leave that I needed to find my friends, he grabbed my arm and told me to lay down he'd find my friends. There was something not right in the way he grabbed me and the look in his eyes I got this sick feeling in my stomach so I ignored him and started to walk past him he grabbed me and threw me down. He called me a bitch and said that I wasn't leaving til he got what he wanted. I started screaming and he slapped me across the face, he started grabbing me and pulling at my clothes I kept yelling stop and no but he didn't listen. I tried screaming for somebody to help me but the music was so loud that no one could hear me. I started pushing him away and hitting him and scratching him but nothing worked." Emily was shaking now as she looked down at her hands, "Why didn't I scream louder? why couldn't I fight him off? I couldn't think straight and I was screaming so loud my voice started to crack. When he was done he hit me again and kicked me in the stomach which made me scream. He said I got what I deserved and left the room I watched as he walked out and left me laying there all I could think of was at least I hurt him a little I could see blood coming from the scratches on his arm. I couldn't do anything I just laid there for what seemed like forever finally I got up and grabbed one of his sweatshirts to cover myself up because he ripped my shirt and I walked downstairs and I saw him talking to some other girl. I finally found my friend Ally and started crying I told her I wanted to go home she kept asking me what was the matter and what happened but I just kept saying I want to go home. Ally managed to find everyone we came with and she drove home I told her that I couldn't that I didn't feel good when we got back to campus I just left and went to my room I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat I just kept crying. I missed my finals the next day, which is why, one of my friends and a few girls in my class came looking for me. You see your princess from Princeton never missed a day of class all semester so they thought it was odd that I hadn't shown up for the final, Hell even the professor was like what's going on is she ok, They found me in my room sitting in the corner crying wearing the same clothes I had on the day before."

Matt could feel tears coming down his face he couldn't stand hearing this he never wanted her to be in pain and this was something that he couldn't protect her from all he could do was be there for her now he just tightened his hold on her cried with her.

"They finally got me to tell them what happened and they took me to the hospital and called my mom, Everything went by in a blur there was doctors and therapists Alex was arrested and there was a trial, he told them that I seduced him that I wanted him and that I never said no. When I went into the hospital they took blood and it was shown that I still had alcohol in my system all I kept saying was that I didn't drink. They tried to use that at court saying I was drunk and all that stuff but my friends testified as to what I had said about driving and how I have never drank when I said I would drive and things like that, they tried to paint me as a slut using past relationships and even some of his friends lying for him", Emily took a deep breath and wasn't crying as much now, "In the end he was convicted of rape, kicked out of school, he got 8 years. His mother came up to me at the end of the trial and told me that I ruined her son's life that I was a whore and she hoped that I got what was coming to me. I wound up in therapy but I was never the same, every relationship fell apart because I kept thinking I wasn't good enough that I deserved what happened to me and that because of that I wasn't any good to anyone. Then I meet you" she turned and smiled at Matt "and at first it was nothing no feelings just you and me having fun. Then something happened and I fell in love with you and I started to doubt myself and you and what we could be. Everything with Anya just made me realize that I wasn't over it that I still feel like that 21-year-old girl in the courtroom being ripped apart by the lawyers and being told that I did something to bring it on myself. I always thought that people would think I was damaged goods because of what happened. I can't help but think that I could've done something to stop it"

"Emily there was nothing that you could've done, you know as well as I do that in situations like, as much as you fight and as much as you think you could've overpowered him he picked you because you trusted him because he knew he could overpower you"

"That doesn't change what I think. Everything I've learned in school and everything I tell people, everything I told Anya about how it's not her fault and she didn't ask to be raped and brutalized. I can say it to her and believe it, I know it wasn't her fault and I know that there wasn't anything she could've done he had a gun and he was twice her size. I just can't make myself believe it no matter how hard I try but I still can't help but think it's my fault that I asked for it and that I don't deserve to be happy because I let it happen."

"Ok my turn to talk" Matt said turning her so she was looking him square in the eye, "It was not you fault, people like that get a thrill out of controlling a woman and it's sick and it's wrong and I think there is a special place in hell for people like that but there was nothing more you could've done you tried to fight back, you said no", he could see the tears starting back up in her eyes and he could feel a tear slowly making it's way down his face. "Second of all you are not damaged goods, you are a strong, opinionated, capable gorgeous woman with a huge heart who is caring and loving and who I couldn't imagine my life without. You say you don't deserve me well I wake up everyday and I watch you sleep and I thank God for everyday that you don't realize that you deserve so much more than me. There is nothing that you could do or that could have possibly happened to you that could make me see you any less than you are. You are my world and the only thing that matters, I am here for you for as long as you'll let me be I want only the best for you. What happened to you is in the past it is a part of your past that has made you who you are, was it fucked up yeah do I wish that I could go back and protect you from it you better believe it and do you think that when we go into work tomorrow that I'm not going to go and find out what happened to this guy and possibly kill him for what he did to you" at that Emily laughed and held his hands in hers against her chest.

"Matt" she said half laughing half still crying.

"Emily I would do anything for you in a second I would lay down everything that matters to me if you asked me to, I would die for you if it meant you never had to feel and ounce of pain. So don't you dare ever think that you aren't worth it or that you deserved what happened to you because I am standing here telling you and mine is the only opinion that matters you did nothing to deserve it and I swear I will never leave you and I will never ever hurt you."

Neither of them could think of anything to say Matt just grabbed Emily and pulled her into his arms. A lot of things made sense to Matt now the way she is with him and her apprehension about their relationship, about him. Emily just silently cried as she thought about what she just told him, now he knew and he wasn't running away. They were both exhausted Emily finally broke the embrace and kissed Matt.

"Thank You"

"Anytime Princess" he said trying to get her to laugh, it worked.

Emily got up from the couch holding Matt's hand she lead him into the bedroom they both shed their clothes from the day and crawled into bed. Emily laid her head on Matt's bear chest and intertwined her hand with his; his other hand was wrapped around her.

"I love you" Matt whispered as he kissed the top of her head.

"I love you too" was the last thing Emily said and the last thing Matt heard for almost simultaneously they fell asleep, safe in each other's arms.


End file.
